Domestic Violence: Warning Signs, Effects, and How to Get Help

Domestic violence is a serious and widespread issue affecting millions of individuals across the United States each year. It occurs when one person in an intimate relationship uses a pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over their partner. This abuse can take many forms—physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, or economic—and can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, or sexual orientation.

Understanding the warning signs of domestic violence and knowing where to turn for help can be life-saving. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, it’s important to recognize that you are not alone, and help is available.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence or domestic abuse, involves a pattern of abusive behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another person in an intimate relationship. This can include current or former spouses, dating partners, or anyone who shares a close personal relationship.

Unlike isolated incidents of conflict, domestic violence follows a pattern where the abusive behavior escalates over time. The abuse may start subtly with controlling behaviors or verbal put-downs, then progress to more serious forms of physical or sexual violence.

It’s important to understand that domestic violence is never the victim’s fault. Abusers are responsible for their own actions, regardless of any justifications they may offer.

Warning Signs and Red Flags of Abuse

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence is the first step toward getting help. An abusive partner may:

Show Controlling Behavior

• Monitor where you go, who you spend time with, and what you do
• Demand passwords to your phone, email, or social media accounts
• Control your finances or prevent you from accessing money
• Make all major decisions without your input
• Prevent you from working, attending school, or seeing healthcare providers
• Isolate you from family members, friends, or support systems

Use Emotional and Psychological Abuse

• Insult, demean, or humiliate you, especially in front of others
• Use gaslighting tactics to make you question your reality or sanity
• Blame you for their abusive behavior
• Display extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Undermine your self-esteem and self-worth
• Threaten to harm themselves if you leave
• Threaten to take your children away or harm your pets

Engage in Physical Violence

• Hit, punch, slap, kick, bite, or choke you
• Use weapons or objects to threaten or harm you
• Restrain you or prevent you from leaving
• Harm your children or pets
• Destroy your property or possessions
• Drive recklessly to intimidate you

Commit Sexual Abuse

• Force you to engage in sexual activities without consent
• Physically attack sexual parts of your body
• Refuse to use contraception or interfere with birth control
• Force or pressure you to become pregnant or have an abortion
• Use sex as a means of control or punishment

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence typically follows a recognizable pattern known as the cycle of abuse. Understanding this cycle can help victims recognize that the violence is not their fault and is likely to continue or worsen without intervention.

Tension Building Phase

During this stage, tension gradually increases in the relationship. The abuser may become more irritable, critical, or hostile. The victim often feels like they’re “walking on eggshells” and may try to placate the abuser or avoid triggering an outburst. Communication breaks down, and the victim may sense that an explosive incident is approaching.

Acute Violence Phase

This is when the actual abuse occurs. The abuser may become physically violent, engage in severe emotional or verbal attacks, or commit sexual assault. This phase is characterized by a loss of control on the part of the abuser, though some research suggests that abusers maintain more control over their actions than they claim.

Reconciliation or Honeymoon Phase

After the violent incident, the abuser often becomes apologetic and remorseful. They may minimize the abuse, promise it will never happen again, or blame external factors like stress or alcohol. The abuser may shower the victim with affection, gifts, or promises to change. This phase can make victims believe that things will improve and that the person they fell in love with has returned.

Calm Phase

During this period, the relationship may seem relatively peaceful. The abuse may temporarily stop, reinforcing the victim’s hope that the violence has ended. However, without proper intervention and treatment, the cycle typically repeats itself, often with increasing frequency and severity.

It’s important to note that not all abusive relationships follow this exact pattern, and some may skip certain phases entirely. Some victims experience constant abuse without periods of calm or reconciliation.

The Impact of Domestic Violence

Physical Health Consequences

The physical effects of domestic violence can range from bruises and broken bones to chronic pain conditions, gastrointestinal disorders, and cardiovascular problems. Victims may suffer from headaches, sleep disturbances, and other stress-related physical symptoms. In severe cases, domestic violence can result in permanent disability or death.

Mental and Emotional Health Effects

The psychological impact of domestic violence can be profound and long-lasting. Survivors commonly experience:

• Depression and anxiety disorders
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
• Difficulty trusting others
• Substance abuse as a coping mechanism
• Suicidal thoughts or behaviors
• Difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future

Effects on Children

Children who witness domestic violence or grow up in homes where it occurs face significant risks, even if they are not directly abused. They may experience:

• Emotional and behavioral problems
• Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem
• Difficulty in school and problems with concentration
• Increased risk of becoming victims or perpetrators of violence in their own relationships
• Physical health problems including sleep disorders and developmental delays
• Difficulty forming healthy attachments and relationships

Domestic violence during pregnancy poses additional risks to both the pregnant person and the developing fetus, including premature birth, low birth weight, and increased risk of maternal and infant mortality.

Why Victims Stay: Understanding the Barriers

One of the most common questions people ask about domestic violence is “Why don’t they just leave?” The reality is that leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult and often dangerous. Victims face numerous barriers, including:

Fear

Many victims fear that leaving will escalate the violence. In fact, the period immediately after leaving an abuser is often the most dangerous time for victims. Abusers may make credible threats to harm or kill the victim, their children, other family members, or pets if they attempt to leave.

Economic Dependence

Abusers often control household finances, making it difficult for victims to access money for housing, transportation, or basic necessities. Victims may not have employment history, job skills, or education that would allow them to support themselves and their children independently.

Lack of Resources

Finding safe housing, legal assistance, childcare, and other necessary resources can be challenging, particularly in areas with limited services or long waiting lists for shelters and programs.

Social and Cultural Factors

Some victims face additional barriers due to their specific circumstances:

• Immigrants may fear deportation, may not know about available resources, face language barriers, or come from cultures where divorce or separation is heavily stigmatized
• LGBTQ+ individuals may fear discrimination, may not want to disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity, or may encounter service providers who don’t understand the dynamics of same-sex partner violence
• People with disabilities may depend on their abuser for physical care or may face accessibility barriers when seeking help
• Older adults may feel shame about their situation, may depend on their abuser for care, or may have grown up in a generation where divorce was rare and domestic violence was not discussed openly
• People in rural areas may have limited access to services, may live far from law enforcement, or may face privacy concerns in close-knit communities

Emotional Bonds

Despite the abuse, victims often still have feelings of love for their partners. They may remember the good times and hope that the person will change. The intermittent reinforcement of affection during the honeymoon phase can create a strong emotional bond that is difficult to break.

Shame and Self-Blame

Victims may feel ashamed about the abuse or believe that they somehow caused or deserved it. This is often reinforced by the abuser’s manipulation and society’s tendency to blame victims.

Concern for Children

Many victims stay because they believe that having two parents in the home is better for their children, or they fear losing custody if they leave. In reality, growing up in a home with domestic violence is harmful to children, and leaving is often the best way to protect them.

Creating a Safety Plan

Whether you’re planning to leave an abusive relationship or want to be prepared in case of an emergency, having a safety plan is crucial. Here are important steps to consider:

Prepare Essential Items

Pack an emergency bag and keep it somewhere safe where your abuser won’t find it—perhaps at a friend’s house, workplace, or in your car. Include:

• Identification documents (driver’s license, passport, birth certificates for you and your children)
• Financial documents (bank account information, credit cards, checkbook)
• Legal papers (protective orders, custody documents, marriage certificate)
• Medications and medical records
• A change of clothes for you and your children
• Cash or prepaid credit cards
• Keys to your home, car, and workplace
• Important phone numbers and addresses
• Valuable or sentimental items

Plan Your Exit

• Identify safe places you can go at any time of day or night
• Memorize emergency numbers or store them in your phone under inconspicuous names
• Practice your escape route and time how long it takes
• Identify doors, windows, or other escape routes from different rooms in your home
• Plan for your pets if possible, as abusers often threaten or harm animals
• Consider opening a separate bank account in your name only

Protect Your Communication

• Use a phone that your abuser doesn’t have access to when contacting domestic violence services
• Clear your browser history after researching domestic violence resources
• Use computers at a library, friend’s house, or work rather than your home computer
• Create new email accounts that your abuser doesn’t know about
• Be aware that your abuser may monitor your phone, computer, or car with tracking devices
• Change passwords frequently and don’t use passwords your abuser could guess

Create a Code Word

Establish a code word or signal with trusted friends, family, or neighbors that lets them know you need help or that they should call the police.

If You Have Children

• Teach them how to call 911 and what information to provide
• Establish a code word they can use if they need to get to safety
• Identify safe adults they can go to for help
• Practice the safety plan with them without frightening them

After Leaving

• Change your phone number and passwords
• Vary your routine and the routes you travel
• Alert your workplace, your children’s school, and close friends about your situation
• Consider obtaining a protective order or restraining order
• Document all contact or harassment from your abuser
• Keep copies of all important documents in a secure location

Legal Protections and Options

Various legal remedies are available to protect victims of domestic violence:

Protective Orders

Also known as restraining orders or orders of protection, these court orders prohibit an abuser from contacting or coming near you, your home, workplace, or children. Violating a protective order is a criminal offense that can result in arrest. Local domestic violence advocates can help you navigate the process of obtaining a protective order.

Criminal Charges

Many forms of domestic violence are criminal offenses. You can file a police report and press charges against your abuser. Even if you don’t press charges, prosecutors may choose to pursue criminal charges on behalf of the state.

Immigration Protections

If you’re an immigrant experiencing domestic violence, you may be eligible for special legal protections under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), U visa, or other immigration remedies. These options can provide a path to legal status independent of your abuser. Immigrant victims have rights and protections regardless of their immigration status.

Getting Help: Resources and Support

If you’re experiencing domestic violence, reaching out for help is one of the most important steps you can take. Remember that you deserve to be safe, and numerous resources are available:

Emergency Assistance

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. Police officers can remove the abuser from your home, help you get to a safe location, and provide information about legal options.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24/7 support, crisis intervention, and information about resources in your area. You can reach them at:

• Phone: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
• TTY: 1-800-787-3224
• Online chat available at thehotline.org
• Text “START” to 88788

All services are free, confidential, and available in multiple languages.

Local Resources

• Domestic violence shelters provide safe, confidential emergency housing and support services
• Crisis centers offer counseling, support groups, and help navigating legal and social services
• Legal aid organizations can provide free or low-cost legal assistance
• Healthcare providers can document injuries, provide medical care, and connect you with local resources
• Counselors and therapists specializing in trauma can help you heal from the psychological effects of abuse

Support from Trusted Individuals

Don’t underestimate the importance of reaching out to trusted friends, family members, faith leaders, or colleagues. Having a support system can make a significant difference in your ability to leave and recover from an abusive relationship.

Online Resources

Many organizations provide online resources, including safety planning tools, information about legal rights, and directories of local services. Remember to clear your browser history and use a safe computer or device when accessing these resources.

Supporting Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence

If you suspect that someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there are ways you can help:

• Express concern without judgment. Let them know you’re worried about them and that you’re available to listen without criticizing their choices
• Listen and validate their feelings. Believe what they tell you and acknowledge how difficult their situation is
• Avoid giving ultimatums. Don’t demand that they leave the relationship or threaten to cut off contact if they stay. This can increase their isolation
• Help them recognize the abuse. Gently point out behaviors that are concerning, but respect that they may not be ready to acknowledge the abuse
• Provide information about resources. Share hotline numbers and local resources, but let them make their own decisions about when and how to seek help
• Help with safety planning. Offer to help them create a safety plan or store important documents and emergency supplies
• Be patient. Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process and may take multiple attempts
• Take care of yourself. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining. Make sure you also have support

Healing and Recovery

Recovering from domestic violence is a journey that takes time. After leaving an abusive relationship, survivors often need support to heal from the trauma they’ve experienced.

Counseling and Therapy

Working with a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and domestic violence can be extremely beneficial. Therapy can help you:

• Process the trauma you’ve experienced
• Rebuild your self-esteem and sense of identity
• Learn healthy relationship patterns
• Develop coping strategies for anxiety, depression, or PTSD symptoms
• Work through feelings of guilt, shame, or grief

If you’re seeking therapy, talk to your healthcare provider about available options and resources that may be appropriate for your situation.

Support Groups

Connecting with other survivors through support groups can reduce feelings of isolation and provide valuable insights from people who understand what you’ve been through. Many domestic violence organizations and community mental health centers offer free support groups for survivors.

Self-Care

Taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs is an important part of healing. This might include:

• Establishing routines and structure in your daily life
• Engaging in activities you enjoy
• Exercising and eating nutritious foods
• Getting adequate sleep
• Practicing relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing
• Reconnecting with hobbies and interests
• Building healthy relationships with supportive people

Financial Independence

Achieving financial stability may involve accessing job training programs, pursuing education, building credit in your own name, and learning financial management skills. Many domestic violence organizations offer economic empowerment programs to help survivors gain financial independence.

Moving Forward

Domestic violence is a serious issue that affects millions of people, but it’s important to remember that it’s never the victim’s fault and help is available. Recognizing the warning signs, understanding the dynamics of abuse, and knowing where to turn for support are critical first steps.

If you’re experiencing domestic violence, please know that you deserve to be treated with respect and to live free from fear. You don’t have to face this alone—resources and people are ready to help you create a safer future for yourself and your children.

Recovery is possible, and many survivors go on to build healthy, fulfilling lives free from violence. Take that first step today by reaching out to a trusted person or calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Remember: You are not alone. It’s not your fault. Help is available. You deserve to be safe.

Sources:

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – Intimate Partner Violence
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Office on Women’s Health – Domestic Violence
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – Family Violence Prevention Services
• U.S. Department of Justice – Domestic Violence
• American Psychological Association – Intimate Partner Violence
• National Center for Biotechnology Information – Domestic Violence