Domestic Violence Against Men: Signs, Support, and How to Get Help

Domestic violence is not limited by gender. While statistics show that women are more frequently affected, men also experience intimate partner violence at alarming rates. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that one in four men have experienced some form of physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime. Despite these numbers, domestic violence against men often goes unreported and unrecognized due to social stigma and misconceptions about masculinity.

Understanding what constitutes abuse, recognizing the warning signs, and knowing where to find help are critical first steps toward breaking free from a violent relationship. This comprehensive guide will help you identify abusive patterns, overcome barriers to seeking help, and create a plan for your safety.

What Is Domestic Violence Against Men?

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, involves a pattern of behaviors used by one person to maintain power and control over another in an intimate relationship. This abuse can occur in any relationship regardless of gender, sexual orientation, marital status, or socioeconomic background.

Abuse takes many forms and is not limited to physical violence. It encompasses:

• Physical abuse: Hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, or any unwanted physical contact intended to harm, intimidate, or control
• Emotional and psychological abuse: Name-calling, humiliation, gaslighting, isolation, and manipulation designed to damage self-esteem and mental health
• Sexual abuse: Any forced or coerced sexual activity, including unwanted touching, sexual assault, or reproductive coercion
• Financial abuse: Controlling finances, preventing employment, stealing money, or creating financial dependence
• Digital abuse: Monitoring phone and computer use, controlling social media accounts, or using technology to stalk or harass
• Stalking: Following, monitoring, or repeatedly contacting someone in ways that cause fear or distress

Abusive relationships typically begin with subtle signs that escalate over time. An abusive partner may initially appear caring, attentive, or protective. However, these behaviors gradually shift toward control, manipulation, and intimidation.

Recognizing the Warning Signs of Abuse

Identifying abuse in your relationship is the first step toward getting help. You may be experiencing domestic violence if your partner exhibits any of these behaviors:

Emotional and Verbal Abuse Signs

• Regularly insults, belittles, or humiliates you, especially in front of others
• Criticizes your appearance, abilities, or decisions constantly
• Dismisses your feelings, opinions, or accomplishments
• Uses sarcasm or “jokes” to demean you, then claims you’re too sensitive
• Blames you for their problems or abusive behavior
• Threatens to harm themselves if you leave or don’t comply with their demands
• Withholds affection or gives you the silent treatment as punishment

Controlling Behaviors

• Exhibits extreme jealousy and accuses you of infidelity without reason
• Dictates what you wear, where you go, or who you can see
• Isolates you from family, friends, and support systems
• Controls all financial decisions or denies you access to money
• Monitors your phone calls, text messages, emails, or social media
• Prevents you from working, attending school, or pursuing personal interests
• Demands passwords to your accounts and devices
• Shows up unexpectedly to check on you
• Uses your children as leverage or threatens to take them away

Physical and Sexual Abuse Signs

• Hits, slaps, pushes, kicks, bites, or chokes you
• Throws objects at you or destroys your belongings
• Prevents you from eating or sleeping
• Harms or threatens to harm your pets
• Forces you to engage in sexual activities against your will
• Uses weapons or objects to threaten or intimidate you
• Drives recklessly to frighten you
• Prevents you from seeking medical care or attending appointments

Additional Concerns for LGBTQ+ Men

If you identify as gay, bisexual, transgender, or gender diverse, you may face additional forms of abuse specific to your identity:

• Threatens to “out” you to family, friends, employers, or your community
• Claims that no one will believe you or help you because of your sexual orientation or gender identity
• Tells you that leaving proves that same-sex or LGBTQ+ relationships don’t work
• Uses your gender identity or sexual orientation to justify abusive behavior
• Denies the validity of your gender identity or forces you to present in ways that contradict your identity

Understanding the Cycle of Abuse

Domestic violence typically follows a predictable pattern known as the cycle of abuse. This cycle often consists of four phases:

Phase 1: Tension Building

During this phase, tension increases in the relationship. The abuser may become increasingly critical, irritable, or demanding. You might feel like you’re “walking on eggshells,” trying to prevent an outburst by modifying your behavior. Communication breaks down, and you may feel anxious or fearful about what might trigger the next incident.

Phase 2: Incident

This is when the abusive behavior occurs. The incident may involve verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. The abuser may act out of control, though they are actually making deliberate choices about their actions. After the incident, the abuser may minimize what happened or blame you for provoking them.

Phase 3: Reconciliation (Honeymoon Phase)

Following an abusive incident, the abuser often apologizes profusely and promises it will never happen again. They may shower you with affection, gifts, or attention. The abuser might minimize the abuse, make excuses, or blame external factors like stress or alcohol. This phase can be confusing because it reminds you of the early, positive aspects of your relationship.

Phase 4: Calm

During this period, the abuse stops temporarily, and the relationship may feel relatively normal. The abuser acts as though the incident never happened. You might hope that the abuse is truly over and that things have changed for good. However, without intervention, the tension inevitably builds again, and the cycle repeats.

Over time, the cycle typically accelerates. The honeymoon phase may become shorter or disappear entirely, while the frequency and severity of abuse often increase. Understanding this pattern can help you recognize that the abuse is not your fault and that promises to change without professional help rarely result in lasting change.

Why Men Don’t Report Domestic Violence

Despite experiencing abuse, many men hesitate to report it or seek help. Several significant barriers prevent men from coming forward:

Social Stigma and Gender Stereotypes

Traditional gender norms suggest that men should be physically strong, emotionally stoic, and dominant in relationships. These stereotypes create shame for men experiencing abuse, as they may feel they’ve failed to live up to societal expectations of masculinity. The misconception that men cannot be victims of domestic violence—particularly when abused by female partners—creates additional psychological barriers.

Fear of Not Being Believed

Many men worry that law enforcement, healthcare providers, or even friends and family won’t take their reports seriously. Some fear they’ll be ridiculed, dismissed, or even accused of being the perpetrator instead of the victim. These concerns are not unfounded, as societal attitudes often minimize or overlook abuse against men.

Lack of Resources

While domestic violence resources have expanded significantly in recent decades, most services and shelters were designed primarily for female victims. Men may struggle to find appropriate support services, emergency housing, or counseling specifically tailored to their experiences.

Legal Concerns

Some men fear that reporting abuse will negatively impact child custody arrangements. Others worry about facing legal consequences themselves, particularly if they’ve defended themselves physically during an incident. When abused by same-sex partners, men may be concerned about revealing their sexual orientation in legal or official contexts.

Minimization and Self-Blame

Men experiencing abuse may minimize what’s happening, telling themselves it’s not “that bad” or that they should be able to handle it. They might blame themselves for provoking the abuse or feel embarrassed about not being able to stop it. Some men develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance use or avoidance behaviors, which they may view as personal failings rather than trauma responses.

It’s crucial to understand that these barriers, while real, should not prevent you from seeking help. You deserve to be safe, respected, and free from violence regardless of your gender. If you’re experiencing abuse, reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness.

The Truth About Reactive Abuse and Gaslighting

In abusive relationships, targets of abuse sometimes respond to constant mistreatment with verbal outbursts or even physical reactions. This is called reactive abuse. An abusive partner may deliberately provoke you until you react, then point to your reaction as “proof” that you’re the abusive one. This manipulation tactic is a form of gaslighting designed to make you question your own perceptions and behavior.

Reactive abuse is not the same as being an abuser. The key difference lies in patterns of behavior:

• The abuser: Consistently uses controlling behaviors and various forms of abuse to maintain power in the relationship
• The target: May occasionally react defensively but does not establish a pattern of control and domination

If you’ve engaged in reactive behaviors, this doesn’t mean you’re equally responsible for the abuse or that you deserve what’s happening to you. However, it does indicate that the relationship dynamics are unhealthy and that professional help is important for everyone involved.

How Domestic Violence Impacts Children

Even when children are not directly physically harmed, witnessing domestic violence can have profound effects on their wellbeing. Children who grow up in homes with intimate partner violence experience higher rates of:

• Anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions
• Behavioral problems and aggression
• Difficulties with emotional regulation
• Sleep disturbances and nightmares
• Academic challenges and learning difficulties
• Low self-esteem and problems with peer relationships
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Increased risk of experiencing or perpetrating violence in their own relationships as adults

Some parents remain in abusive relationships out of fear that leaving will harm their children more or that their partner will try to gain custody. However, staying in a violent environment typically causes more harm to children in the long run. Seeking help and creating a safe environment is one of the most important things you can do for your children’s healthy development.

If you’re concerned about custody or your children’s safety, domestic violence advocates and family law attorneys can help you understand your rights and develop strategies to protect your children.

Creating a Safety Plan

Whether you’re planning to leave an abusive relationship or need to protect yourself while remaining in the situation, having a safety plan is essential. A comprehensive safety plan addresses multiple scenarios and helps you prepare for emergencies:

Document the Abuse

• Keep a journal of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions of what happened
• Take photographs of injuries, damaged property, or threatening messages
• Save threatening emails, text messages, or voicemails
• Keep copies of police reports, medical records, or restraining orders
• Store all documentation in a safe place that your abuser cannot access, such as with a trusted friend or in a secure cloud storage account

Prepare Emergency Resources

• Memorize or keep easily accessible the phone numbers of domestic violence hotlines, trusted friends, and local shelters
• Set aside emergency money if possible, even small amounts over time
• Pack an emergency bag with essential items: clothes, medications, important documents (IDs, birth certificates, social security cards, bank information), keys, phone charger, and personal items
• Store your emergency bag somewhere safe and accessible, ideally outside your home
• Keep copies of important documents with someone you trust

Plan Your Exit Strategy

• Identify the safest time and method to leave
• Know where you’ll go: a friend’s house, family member’s home, or domestic violence shelter
• Plan your transportation method
• Arrange for someone to accompany you if possible
• If you have children, include them in age-appropriate aspects of the plan
• Consider bringing pets with you, as abusers sometimes harm animals to exert control

Increase Your Daily Safety

• Identify safe areas in your home where there are exits and no weapons
• Develop a signal with trusted friends, neighbors, or family members that indicates you need help
• Practice how you would leave quickly if needed
• Keep a phone accessible at all times
• Vary your daily routine to be less predictable if your partner stalks you
• Trust your instincts—if you feel a situation is escalating, take steps to protect yourself

Safety After Leaving

• Consider obtaining a restraining order or order of protection
• Change your locks and install additional security measures
• Inform your employer, children’s schools, and neighbors about the situation
• Change your routine and routes you regularly travel
• Screen your calls and save any threatening messages as evidence
• Continue working with domestic violence advocates to ensure ongoing safety

Remember, leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time. The risk of violence may increase when an abuser realizes they’re losing control. Take precautions and don’t hesitate to contact law enforcement if you feel in immediate danger.

Protecting Your Digital Privacy and Safety

Abusers increasingly use technology to monitor, control, and harass their partners. Digital abuse can continue even after you’ve left the relationship. Protect yourself by taking these precautions:

Secure Your Devices

• Change all passwords frequently, using strong combinations that your abuser couldn’t guess
• Check your devices for monitoring apps or spyware; look for unfamiliar applications or unusual battery drain
• Use a safe device (one your abuser has never had access to) when researching domestic violence resources or making safety plans
• Be aware that abusers can access your phone records through shared plans or by contacting service providers
• Consider getting a separate phone your abuser doesn’t know about
• Turn off location sharing on all apps and devices
• Review privacy settings on social media accounts and limit what others can see

Computer and Internet Safety

• Use private browsing mode when searching for help online, but know that this doesn’t completely hide your activity
• Clear your browsing history regularly
• Use computers at libraries, work, or a friend’s home when planning your safety or seeking resources
• Be cautious about what you post on social media; avoid sharing your location or plans
• Create new email accounts that your abuser doesn’t know about
• Disable auto-login features so passwords aren’t saved

Vehicle and GPS Safety

• Check your vehicle for hidden GPS tracking devices
• Be aware that some vehicles have built-in GPS systems that can track your location
• Vary your routes and routines to make tracking more difficult
• If you discover a tracking device, consult with a domestic violence advocate before removing it, as this could alert your abuser that you’re aware

Social Media Precautions

• Change passwords for all social media accounts
• Review authorized apps and revoke access to any you don’t recognize
• Enable two-factor authentication for additional security
• Block your abuser and their associates on all platforms
• Be careful about accepting friend requests from people you don’t know well
• Avoid posting information about your whereabouts or daily activities
• Ask friends not to tag you in photos or posts

If technology-related abuse is a concern, organizations like the National Network to End Domestic Violence offer specific resources and guides for improving your digital safety.

Where to Find Help and Support

Reaching out for help is a crucial step toward safety. Multiple resources are available specifically to support men experiencing domestic violence:

Emergency Services

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. Don’t hesitate to contact law enforcement if you or your children are being threatened or harmed. You have the right to protection regardless of your gender.

National Hotlines

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or text “START” to 88788. Available 24/7, this confidential service provides crisis intervention, safety planning, and referrals to local resources. Services are available in multiple languages.
• National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: Offers information and technical assistance related to domestic violence. Visit their website or call 1-800-537-2238.
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE). Provides support for sexual assault survivors.
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). If you’re experiencing thoughts of self-harm, immediate support is available 24/7.
• The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386. Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth and young adults.

Healthcare Providers

Your doctor, nurse, or other healthcare providers can document injuries, provide medical care, and connect you with local resources. Many healthcare settings now screen for domestic violence and have protocols to help patients access appropriate support services. Be honest with your healthcare provider about how your injuries occurred.

Mental Health Support

Therapists and counselors who specialize in trauma and domestic violence can help you process your experiences, develop coping strategies, and work through the emotional impacts of abuse. Many communities offer support groups specifically for men who have experienced domestic violence. These groups provide opportunities to connect with others who understand what you’re going through.

If you’re concerned about the cost of therapy, look for community mental health centers that offer services on a sliding scale based on income. Some domestic violence organizations provide free counseling for survivors.

Legal Assistance

You may need legal help for several reasons:

• Obtaining a restraining order or order of protection
• Addressing custody and visitation issues
• Navigating divorce or separation
• Pressing criminal charges
• Understanding your rights

Many communities have legal aid organizations that provide free or low-cost legal services to domestic violence survivors. Domestic violence advocates can often refer you to attorneys who have experience with these cases.

Local Resources

Your community likely has organizations dedicated to helping domestic violence survivors:

• Domestic violence shelters: While many shelters primarily serve women, an increasing number accommodate male survivors or can arrange safe housing
• Community advocacy programs: Offer assistance with safety planning, navigating systems, and accessing resources
• Faith-based organizations: Some religious communities provide support services for those experiencing domestic violence
• Employee assistance programs (EAPs): Many employers offer confidential counseling and referral services at no cost to employees

To find local resources, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, search online for domestic violence services in your area, or ask a healthcare provider for referrals.

Support for LGBTQ+ Survivors

Additional resources specifically for LGBTQ+ individuals include:

• The Network/La Red: Provides support to LGBTQ+ survivors of partner abuse. Hotline: 1-800-832-1901
• FORGE: Offers resources and support for transgender survivors of domestic and sexual violence
• GLBT National Help Center: 1-888-843-4564. Provides peer support and local resource referrals

Taking the First Step Forward

Acknowledging that you’re in an abusive relationship is difficult but necessary. You may feel ashamed, confused, or worried about what will happen if you seek help. These feelings are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Remember these important truths:

• The abuse is not your fault, regardless of what your partner tells you
• You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness
• Being a man does not mean you should tolerate abuse
• Seeking help is a sign of courage and strength
• You are not alone—others have been through similar experiences and found their way to safety
• Change is possible, and life can get better

Taking the first step might mean calling a hotline, confiding in a trusted friend, or making an appointment with a healthcare provider. Whatever form it takes, reaching out is an act of self-care that begins your journey toward safety and healing.

Breaking free from an abusive relationship is a process, not a single event. Be patient with yourself and recognize that leaving safely often requires planning and support. The resources and strategies outlined in this guide can help you move forward at a pace that feels right for you while prioritizing your safety and wellbeing.

Domestic violence against men is a serious problem that deserves attention, compassion, and comprehensive support. By recognizing the signs of abuse, understanding your options, and accessing available resources, you can take meaningful steps toward a life free from violence. You deserve safety, respect, and happiness. Help is available, and recovery is possible.

Sources:

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – Intimate Partner Violence
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• U.S. Department of Justice – Office on Violence Against Women
• American Psychological Association – Intimate Partner Violence
• World Health Organization – Violence Against Women
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – Family Violence Prevention